im not here, this isnt happening..

the effect and hold this has on me is seriously sad..
growing up, wanting to know a man who is suppose to love you unconditionally, who doesnt, then come to find out years later, that this man hurt the most special person in your entire life. i wish my mom would have told me sooner, it would have saved me years of beating myself the fuck up, trying and trying over again to help this man, to get him to love me..to get him to be a good man, my father. ive already said what he did in the previous post, my father beat my mom like a fucking man..hitting her so hard..and didnt stop that even his own best friend got scared thinking he would kill my mother, beating her almost to death. its hard to take in. its not something you can just accept and go on your merry way, especially when you have years worth of pain with this person. its weird because before knowing this, regardless of what hes done i still would stand up for him from time to time or give him the benefit or excuse that hes just some alcoholic depressed bi polar selfish asshole, but no more will i excuse him. i think that maybe in a way i was meant to go through all of that, as fucked up as it was and is, maybe it was intended for me to go through, because maybe if i would have known this then i probably wouldnt have been able to understand or comprehend and as a little girl i would have probably forgave him, because again..he is an alcoholic depressed bi polar selfish asshole..you know..the excuse. but now that im older there is no excuse and i know i said i have to forgive him, but really i cant right now..i can forgive him for fucking me over in life, for not loving me, that i can forgive, but for hurting my mother..my only sweetheart..that i will never forgive. i will never forgive all of the times he hurt her, i will never forgive the bruises he gave her, i will never forgive him for treating her less than what my mom is, i will never forgive him for taking my moms youth and then take my mom away to some other state to live with my great grandmother who was a good woman sober, but a drunk irish woman who was really fukcing racist, and resented my mother because of her race. i will never ever fucking forgive him for taking my mom to the abortion clinic when my mom was pregnant with me and just dropping her off and not being fucking MAN enough to go with her..like my mom meant fucking nothing, like killing what he helped create was just fucking nothing. i will never forgive my dad for being a bad man, for being a fucking asshole and not having better himself and do whatever it took to make our family work. i will never forgive him for letting us slip away out of his fucking hands so easily. shit like that i wll never forgive, and i will hold it until im of no more. i can accept and move on, but i wll never forgive that.

sometimes its hard to look at myself in the mirror..because all i can see is him. i know maybe some people cant understand that, but when you look identical to the person who caused harm to someone you love, its hard. its hard to even have things in common with this man, its hard to have his smile. hes the one person ive never wanted to be, i want nothing to do with him, but hes always here with me..hes part of me..these eyes, my expressions, these hands i  even type with, they are all parts of this man...

and no i need no sympathy, i just like to write real shit, i like to write about life itself. im not one who puts myself out there in real life, you really cant get shit out of me most of the time, but when it comes to writing..this is my way of letting go.

i just lye in bed sometimes..
on my side, arms strectched out in front of me.
my room is a very luke warm temperature..
these flowers which are little lights are the only thing that light up my room..
mellow music is playing..
i begin to touch my skin..draw in the spade on my inner wrist..
im still in my sea green cotton flowing dress from earlier..
my feet bare..snuggled in my warm fleece blanket.
i stare off..
wishing i was somewhere far..somewhere unknown..
wishing i could share this comfort i feel in my bedroom with someone..
someone to brush their hands on my back and kiss my neck intensely.
i begin to touch my legs..soft as my hand runs up to my thighs.
this is in no way a sexual manner, im just feeling my body..
i want to know what i feel like.
my eyes bat then i shut them tight for a couple seconds and pray that one day i will turn around and i wont feel so lonely..
that when i turn back around its that person drawing in the spade on my wrist..the heart on my inner arm..the lips to my native american woman..that it will be this persons hands feeling every inch of me, ever so gently, ever so intensely. and slowly the straps to my dress will be pulled down softly, but my dress wont come off, because maybe somehow you know i like the feeling of someones hands pulling the straps down softly..theres just something about it, its so passionate.
and maybe one night when this happens we will turn to eachother and smile..not saying one word, because we know we are lucky to have found eachother. and maybe that night i will close my eyes and hold that perfect moment tight, that moment where my family and friends are alive and well, that moment where i forgive everything and everyone, that moment where i am fearless, that moment in which you kiss me, and we both know this is it...this is it. i will shut my eyes tight, feeling so thankful and overwhelmed, and maybe when i shut my eyes that night i wont wake up, because nothing will ever compare to a night as beautiful as that. my morning kiss will be cold and not mine.

i believe time can really stop.

and i believe that sometimes there is a lot of beauty in pain.


 

p.s.
thank goodness for:
a.) caffeine pills that the store provides me with..lol.
b.) diet coke
c.) the parts and service advisor..

that is what gets me through my day..
ohh and of course..funny asian men and women..lol.

im seriously dying of laughter today, i feel like i havent had a good laugh in such a long time..it felt really good, i cant even describe it.

im so sleepy and out of it right now.
its the weekend already.
its just all going by way too fast.
i started writing on paper the other day, i feel the need to scrape everything the fuck out of me and just get it on paper.
i want to be happy, and i know what i need to do.
i forget i have insurance and i can get a therapist, i think that would be good for me.
talking to a complete stranger sometimes is just way easier for me.
i guess bc they can add different elements and show other sides that maybe you or the people who know you havent seen.
its imporant that i capture all of this emotion somehow
i think of it as a healing process, instead of blocking it out and thinking about something else, or being scared to say or write it making it evident and true, its what i need to do. i need to make these emotions real, face them, then..forgive, understand, learn from and just let them go and move on to my future. i have been doing pretty ok. a slip here and there, and well at one point i lost control, but decided to talk to someone before i ended up shutting myself out to the world. of course i was still in my head, but it still helped to talk to someone or be around someone instead of going fuckin mad alone at home. whenever i write shit like this it makes me feel like im some fucking psycho, but really im not. i get emotionally upset just like everyone else does at times, i just get upset over different things and i never realease them and keep them all bottled up pushing them far away, never really learning or solving them, creating them to be more painful and more affective towards myself. im going to write everything down. from my childhood, my father, my mother, grandmothers, my aunt, drugs, lonliness, fading, pre rape, pedifile teachers, eddie, edee, fear, destruction, sex, the horrible situations i get myself in to bc of alcohol, daniels death, intense dreams, confusion between dreams and reality, night terrors, pre rape, my moms pervert boyfriends, blood and alcohol.

theres more i most likely failed to mention, but whatever it is, im going to get it all down.

i guess thats where im at right now.

capturing pain and putting it on paper.