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im not here, this isnt happening..

inside devin's mind.

12/10/09 12:13 pm

its been weird for me
i think i have this kind of personality in which i love to surround myself with many things as well as people that pertain to my past..
like in some way, its hard for me to move forward, especially with relationships.
i keep going or thinking about that person that i miss, then it becomes me having to talk to them or see them.
it can never be, just me, and i think thats a big problem of most young women or maybe women in general and its probably why they stay in some relationships or date that same type of man, its because maybe some type of fear getting out of their comfort zone and having to start all over again. that fear of getting to know someone, having to open yourself up all over again, or maybe a fear you wont.
and then love song comes on..haha..you see perfect example, all of these little reminders that sneak up on you, laughing at you.
im in a bit of a pickle..a part of me wants to get out, explore, venture out and really test myself, try new things, get out of this city and learn and grow, but then theres that other part that just thinks about everyone else and wants to not leave anyone, and feels fine.
i have so many dreams, and some of them are so attainable.
ive seriously thought about moving to san francisco, or even san jose, its gorgeous out there to me. i love that city feel, i love san francisco period. i just want to embark on something new! then i get to thinking, who would want to come with me? but i know no one cant because their lives are here, and they have schooling, careers...and well im just so out of place with myself. im dying to go to art school, and well, its the main reason why i turned to bartending, because i know i could at least make half the cash for tuition or if i still lived at home, which i should and want to for this year to save, id have all the cash if i worked 265 days out of the year and saved 100 bucks each of those nights...you do the math. im not in debt, i dont have credit cards, i dont have kids, i should be saving! 2010 is dedicated to my savings and my goals, i just pray i pull through, and dont get caught up in the limelight..but i know me, i like to go out and have a good time, but if im working at a bar or club all that shit is gonna be not so exciting to go out all the time, just on special occasions with my girls, or maybe a weekend with the gals. i basically want to do different shit, and i know i have the right gals by my side =] because we have all said, and rocky especially that we want to go places next year, i mean, thats the point of not being tied down, its the point of not having kids right now, to see different parts of the world and travel, live at home, save money..and fuck all of this little dramatic bullshit that seems to creep up every once in a while or someone trying to hold you back, or have them be the key reason why you dont follow what you really want. right now, and every other year to come is about loving people, and loving myself and taking care of myself. my eye is set on the prize.

11/6/09 12:01 pm

your moves are exciting,
but whats between your legs is just oh so inviting and ever more than exciting, its enticing.

so im leaving for vegas in a couple of hours, off to a well much needed vacation, but hey, when doesnt everyone need a vacation? its sad how sometimes you can slip away from some of the very things you love most, for me, writing. maybe i lost some sort of fulfillment, and maybe id rather just experience. sometimes i dont know how to sort out all of this clutter going on upstairs, and because of that i dont try and just leave as is. maybe one day ill get it on down, finally make use of all the pages that run through me.

i like times like these, the tv off, no music, no sound, even the outside world and everything thats going on seems mute, and its just me. the silence soothes me, makes me take a step back and remember myself. sometimes we get so caught up in movies, music, outter chaos that it seems impossible to just sit and enjoy solitude and silence. i take advantage of it, especially if im going to sin city in a couple of hours, and the only thing my eyes do are flutter at all of the lights and a world outside of my own. amazed by all the people, analyzing their vegas wear, their gestures, thoughts..feelings, and i soon forget about myself all over again.

but soon enough ill find my way, im only one drink away.

10/15/09 09:06 pm

to my surprise you sent me 5 email messages, all with the same question.
maybe its because i wrote you 3 drunk messages, with three different questions, wanting but only one answer.
i keep going back to that little girl that you left,
i keep going back to summer days, and your nights with the drunkards.
im weak, because all the pain you have inflicted on me takes me back everytime.
everytime, i cringe
everytime i put the bottle to my lips.
our vices are one in the same, so why ask questions to answers i already know.

10/14/09 12:36 pm

we dance the night away, you drive me with your moves, i am paralyzed, i am yours.
we fuck at night, drink until morning..repeat.
its these indulgences, these vices  that take away from our picture perfect painted reality.
the nights you end up bleeding in a tub of your own sorrow and childhood,
the nights the color of white soothes your interest,
belly full of drink,
we fuck to feel,
because when youre inside me, im once again pumped alive.

10/12/09 07:02 pm

1600 mg to the skull,
the drink that keeps me going soothing my belly.

10/6/09 09:38 pm

open up that bottle of wine..
oh its time
oh its time..
ive got something on my mind.

9/17/09 03:41 pm

a part of me wants to hold on and not slip,
but the other part of me wants to say fuck it all and fade, never letting anyone in.
never loving.
always alone.
the more i think about last night,
the more it depresses me.
i took off wasted,
trying to find myself, battling my demons.
and in the end i woke up alone, in a bed i knew very well.
something is fucking wrong with me, theres all the signs, all the red flags, the cover ups.
im so scared =[
all i want is someone to hold me tight,
i dont know how to be alone.

9/17/09 02:19 pm

its true what they say,
when someone kicks you down and beats you down to the ground,
and tells you all of these horrible things about yourself, you believe them.
i get that all the time.
" someone must have really fucked you up for you not to believe in yourself"

its true.

i think ill have a beer...

9/17/09 02:06 pm

and shit like this is what happens...
alone
with a pink ass fuckin towel on top of my head for my hair to dry. =[
fuckin lame.
i wish this shit wouldnt happen.  i wish i didnt turn to drugs to escape.
thank FUCKIN god i didnt take an oxycotton,
maybe i really would have crashed.
instead i have a fuckin crack in my window.
fuck it.
i love the jackson 5.

9/16/09 12:34 am

and just in a matter of seconds dripping down the evergreen trees in which you spent your summers gazing at,
your life changes.

9/12/09 12:25 am

damn these sad spells! damn them! =[
Current Mood: sad

8/9/09 10:20 pm

its real lonely at my nannys house, and well, im so sick and tired of television.
hardly a vision at all sometimes.
so here i sit..
with the most expensive bottle of wine that ive ever bought, in the most uncomfortable chair ever.
coincidence?
possibly..
alcohol taking away my back pain?
bingo.

7/13/09 11:29 am

2 years..
2 years of no contact, of only wondering if you're still breathing the same air as me.
its odd, because i've spent most of my life wanting some sort of answer from you, some sort of explanation as to why you didn't try, as to how you can do on in life knowing nothing about me, not even the slightest interest, not one speck of love. how easy it is to get a hold of me, never once fighting for me, never once trying to make this work. and after all this time of wanting you to be my father, and have things go in the direction of happily ever after, i know now the answer ive been so long searching for, and you didnt have to say anything at all. and now when i really think about it, do i even really want someone as negative as you in my life? its easy for someone to say to just get over you and move on, and as much as i have given up on so many things in life, i fought so hard just for you to want to know me and be my father. when you have so much hope invested as well as everything youve got left to give..your heart and soul in to something, its just really fucking easier said than done. but judging by the past couple of days, i really am done, and its bc i know that i tried, ive hurt myself over you so many god damn times, drank myself to fucking sleep or drove myself insane simply bc you cant be my father and dont love me, and i know that if anything happens horribly to you i will have no regrets, and i will be at peace knowing i gave it everything i had to give, and i wouldnt be beating myself up wishing i had tried harder. you cant make your father love you or want to take care of you, i cant make you want me to be your little girl...im just not her anymore, that little girl has vanished and now i just have to pick up the pieces start over and move on with myself, for my own well being.
i cant begin to explain the amount of pain i felt yesterday when my dads whore gf called me. i finally found his information and called him about a week ago, but she answered so i hung up, then on saturday i kept attempting, wanting to leave a voicemail but just going back and forth with myself..hanging up..hanging up. finally i gathered myself on saturday and left a voicemail, taking yet, another chance and possibly (evidently) setting myself up..again. this was at about 11 a.m. ish. so yesterday im driving home around 2 p.m. and as i went to text bc we all know what a safe driver i am texting and driving, i didnt hear my phone ring so when i went to slide it up i answered a call which so happened to be my dads whore gf. it went something along the lines of this.
anna the whore: " hi ashlee, fjdajfdhakfhahfkalhfalhfka"
ash: " what? who is this?"
whore: " its anna "
ash : " who?"
whore: " omg like its anna, chris' gf"
and mind you her tone is like shes in the best mood of her life, so uplifted. that only irritated me, it would.
whore: " i just wanted to call you to let you know that WE got your message"
hmmm theres just a little too many people in that fucking WE bullshit.
she proceeded to tell me: " ashlee your dad is actually butthurt because he said hes invited you over, but you didnt want to come because you dont like me"
ash: " first of all regardless of whether i like you or not, i would never ever let anyone get in the way of my time with my father, ive fought too damn hard to try and be in his life to say or do something like that, and furthermore hes never even invited me over, and you see i didnt not like you, but now i do have a problem with you because you are my dads fucking gf and you cant even push him to be in his own daughters life, so dont give me that omg we like totally tried, its bullshit and its really ridiculous and im sick of this shit"
i let her have it basically, im not one you want to fight with verbally, you just wont win.
she then got snappy with me, real attitude like: " well you know what ashlee, christopher has a mind of his own okay, hes a big boy you know"
holy fucking christ
then she tried to tell me this woman to woman bullshit..
me : " granted he has a mind of his own and i dont hold you fully responsible, but fact is bitch you are his girlfriend and bottom line i have not even seen or spoken to my father in 2 fucking years, you are apart of his life, and you know WOMAN TO WOMAN, you need to be a woman and tell YOUR MAN to take care of his fucking kid"
whore: " well you know ashlee hes tried, hes left you messages, hes actually hurt about you, you know he works so hard everyday....blahhh fucking blahh, and oh yea hes got all of your letters"
in between all of this conversation, i did apoligize if i spoke with her in a disrespectful manner, because i was raised to not talk to elders in that way, my mom raised me better, but when someone doesnt respect me and tries to play me for a fool, i was also raised to stand up for myself..you know.." as a woman"
me:" you know what im sick of this poor christopher boo hoo fucking sob story, its getting just a little too old, and for the record he has not tried shit, why in the fuck would i be beating myself up, crying myself to fucking sleep if hes tried, that statement makes no fucking possible sense"
whore: " he said hes tried ashlee.."
me: " bullshit bitch, HE HAS NOT TRIED!"
now mind you, this is my dads whore ex crackhead gf, and this message was not even FOR HER!. im thinking to myself why and the fuck is this bitch even calling me? that only made me more heated and led to more verbal abuse to her just being silent, attitude with me in between. i did not yell at her, its weird bc when im really mad, i dont yell, my voice gets strong but i dont yell, bc i want you to hear my words which will hurt you. shes like well he said hes going to call you, yada yada, and that she WAS going to give me his celly but not anymore, i asked for it, but she like blew me off, and i was like : " give me his number now"
whore: " no ashlee, he said he will call you"
me: " no, thats not good enough, give it to me now"
whore: " well let me call him right now and tell him to call you"
me" you know what, go right the fuck ahead and you go do that"
whore: " fine then i will"
me: " you do that!"
whore: " FINE I WILL"
real fucking attitude..
i feel no pride in ripping someone up verbally, but it did feel good to get 2 years of repressed emotion out, well, 22 years if you want to get technical.
and to my not so surprise, he never called and it is now monday.
i really wouldnt be surprised if she was the only one who got the message, erased it and never told him, but still i dont let that play as an excuse for him..hes all out of them, and im not waiting around.
after that conversation, i couldnt help but to let it out bc i actually had to hold back on the phone with her bc i wasnt about to let her and really i dont like people to see or hear me cry. i sat in my car in the blazing fucking heat, just really broken down, it was hard to catch my breath and all i could do was hyper ventilate and shake thinking what the fuck just happened?, why is he doing this to me? what have i done thats so wrong to feel like my insides and every ounce of emotion were ripped out of me and put on display to promote how much of a fucking fool i am.
this is such a big step, more like a leap to finally see what i should have seen and known. i had my answer all along, but of course i just couldnt believe it, and i had to try. its a chance and risk i knew i was taking, i knew that more than likely i had a 99.9 percent chance that it wouldnt go the way i want, that there was a chance id be broken beyond belief, that i would get hurt, but its a chance i took, i just had to know for sure no matter the cost, even if its my own well being and heart at stake, i just had to know 100  percent that this man doesnt love me, and i cant make him. i get it now, i feel it..i felt it and saw it before, but now i know it...its for certain. feel, see and know. this is really out of everything by far the worst thing i have done to myself, the worst its felt, and ive never felt so alone and incomplete..shattered. and typical me, i try and hide it. its just something maybe i have to go through alone, something i have to do for myself, and who knows, maybe after all of this it might bring me to a better path. it hurts so much, but the weight off my back has been lifted, and i am 100% ready to let it go and move on. im ready to get back to being me.

pain and happiness.
 

7/1/09 11:30 am

i get so upset at myself when i tell people about myself and my issues.
ughhhhhh.
id rather not say anything at all.

6/30/09 12:09 pm - mona.

I feel helpless at times.
yesterday after having drinks with friends, there was a lady in a wheelchair..homeless outside of the restaurant. i saw her change bucket, and began walking to the car to scrounge for any change i could find. i found nothing in my purse since i spent the last of my cash on the tip, but i didn't stop there and knew i couldn't leave without at least giving something. i dig around the car, finding a small stash of pennies and as i got out of the seat of the car, i saw a dime, picked it up and walked over to hand the woman the change, so ashamed that this was all i had to give. i immediately begin apologizing, i knew this change was shit, but all i had. she tells me it means a lot to her, not matter what the amount is, every bit helps. this woman..homeless, no hair, home, family or even friends, so alone in this god damn world, a woman with nothing, but has so much more than the people who have everything.
her hunger for life, her gratefulness for me giving her a small amount of change, i couldnt believe it.
i stood talking to this woman, with tears rolling down my eyes.
how unfair this fucking world is, how people suffer daily.
maybe i had no money to really give this woman, but i gave her company for all the time that i could.
she tells me that she will not give up, that she is blessed, and the point is not the amount of money i gave, but that i gave her something. this seriously blows my fucking mind away.
not that long ago in pasadena, i see this homeless man asking for change, i give him almost a dollar in change..some quarters i believe, and he then said " thats it?" how fucking ungrateful this asshole is i thought. then said, " what a fucking ungrateful asshole.." someone who doesnt have to give you anything, but still does out of goodness, and you still complain. but thats people for ya, some ungrateful bastards.
going back to the woman, she is nothing like that pasadena asshole.
after talking to her for quite some time, i began curious to know her name...so i ask, " mona.." she says.
i told mona id never forget her.
we then talked about god, and social injustice...
might seem odd that i had this in depth conversation with a homeless woman, but it really was an awakening moment. 2 strangers both having belief in life at the same time.

as we said goodbye, i made my way back to my car and cried the whole way home, with her face i couldnt shake from my eyelids.

6/15/09 09:22 am - love at 9:45 a.m.

theres nothing wrong with wanting magick in life.
being realistic about things and always living life doing the important things isnt always the right thing for some people.
maybe i wont have some high paying job.
and maybe i wont be rich or some successful doctor/lawyer..and so on.
but maybe ill be rich in other ways.
i want to explore and find myself.
i dont want to get married ( a ritual which really doesnt prove love when you think about it ), i dont want to have children.
those are not things i want for myself.
is it selfish to want to just enjoy my family, friends, new friends and myself?
i want to travel.
i want to experience life.
i dont care if i have my head in the clouds, or if i get stepped on along the way.
i am strong, and i would rather be like this then like every other typical person my age.
i want excitement
i want passion.
i want to be more spiritual with myself..
id rather have good experiences..memories..and love over money, success and most likely being miserable having not experienced life.
life seriously passes by in the blink of an eye.
time to decide what makes YOU happy and if its worth not being all the things your parents or what society wants you to be.
why settle?

i look at my grandmother, having someone marry rich, traveling, but never really knowing herself..loving herself. sure she had everything she wanted, never had to worry about working, but really you have to love and find yourself first if you ever want true happiness. no one should have to make you happy, you should be happy yourself and do things for yourself. my grandmother now is almost 60..she has never been to a dance, never went on trips alone exploring the world, shes never gone on trips with just girlfriends, shes never really experienced art or music...and she fell in love at the age of 57, but chose not to run away with him for the soul reason of bc he had no money and he wouldnt be able to take care of her. she loved this man, but bc of what we have been taught our whole lives of whats " important" and what matters, she chose living in a big empty house over being in love with a man for the first time. now that her husband is dead ( a very sad thing) she still ended up in the big house..alone. what she was afraid of most, a man not taking care of her, still happened, just in another form. kind of ironic when you think about it. people shouldnt be so desperate to find love, or be in a relationship....and people have to get in their heads that every person they meet isnt going to be their husband or soul mate. patience. i know ladies that sometimes you think that every guy you meet is just bad news, then you think you meet someone different who dazzles you and it turns out he has some kind of hang up just like every other guy. well, i hate to tell you this, but he was probably like every other guy youve dated to begin with. break your pattern, be open, love yourself and just go with life. stop settling just bc its the right thing to do. you will know fully if someone is truly different and truly magickal, bc he wont turn out like the rest and he wont have any other hang ups. no surprises..he will be open as you should be as well. dont go start thinking oh where is this going, what are we, are we together, what does this mean....stop all of that nonsense ladies and just GO WITH IT. its questions like that you just need to get out of your head and just enjoy it ( but of course not being a moron and doing drugs with him or anything of that extent..have some sense..hah). its questions like that, those ideal realistic questions women have that just ruin thee moment. life is precious, make it worth it. im not saying dont have ideals or goals, but do what you love in life..seriously. take care of yourself, try doing something that you wouldnt normally do....what do you have to lose?
stop being shy...

im on to something...

5/27/09 09:55 pm

and then i find out more shit..
fuck,
im really on the verge of combustion.
i really dont know how much longer i can stay at my house before i fucking snap at my step dad, and for all the bullshit hes caused and has said.
im at my aunts right now trying to calm down.
i really dont even want to go home..

5/22/09 10:32 pm


at this point, whatever hurt me last week or earlier this week or even before that, seriously is out of my brain and system.
after having an almost 2 hour conversation with my grandma as to why she didnt get on the plane with her husband, im seriously..i dont even know.
i know what makes the women in my family so special to me, because no matter what can happen, we are all loyal to eachother and we will defend eachother until the end and no matter what the circumstances are.
the things my nanny told me, i just had no idea..
i believe that my family sometimes doesnt like to tell me certain things because of how passionate and dominating i am of the people i love.
if someone hurts someone i love, thats it, i get emotional and in this rage where i cant control it, and i HAVE to say something and speak my mind, especially when it comes to men hurting women, its all over after that.
there are reasons why i am so passive, why i dont like to argue and fight, its for this very reason..i just really get too worked up, and in that state i will say things to really hurt someone, like a dagger right at your fucking heart, and i wouldnt have the slightest bit of remorse. i guess thats how i feel right now, my nanny told me just certain things that her husband did to her, things that seriously brought me to tears. i know why no one wanted to tell me, because i get so upset. when someone i love gets hurt, it hurts me ten times more. whatever you feel, i feel it so intensely because im a person who so full of love, emotion, passion, and feelings like that are hard to calm down, but im doing my best right now.
i basically cant say anything.
i cant say anything to my step dad for the things hes said and done.
after everything i heard i want to just tell him to fuck off, but i cant. my nanny told me to be quiet and i gave her my word.
nor can i say anything to my nannys husband for saying and doing all of this bullshit..shit i cant even fucking believe.
i have to bite my tongue though.
this is so hard for me, because automatically i want to lash out at these people for hurting these women who mean everything to me.
these women in my life that after all of this bullshit are still these amazing and loving people and who judge no one. how my nanny and my mom are still such good people, seriously, ive said it before, it really fucking amazes me.
i had to calm myself down before i walked in to my house, because once i snap, i really snap. and really how many people have truly seen me mad? i can probably count them on one hand if not less than one hand.
maybe i do play that weak person role, but its bc i choose to be like that.
i dont want to be someone whos all in a rage all the time or brave or trying to act tuff. i let a lot of shit slide and go generally just bc i dont like to argue and i like to create peace between people, and well..im just a nice person and i see the best in everyone. but when it comes to these stupid men, hurting the women i love, my sweethearts..it really fucking kills me to sit here and be quiet. but sometimes, its what you have to do. sometimes you cant say what you want bc it makes shit worse. everything will come in time, and there just needs to be patience. i do not wish bad upon these men, bc sooner or later they will realize what they had and lost if this shit continues. my nanny and my mom are good people, and any of my friends who have met them, i know EVERY SINGLE PERSON would not say otherwise, bc if they did they might as well be really fucking fake bc i am a lot like these women, and if you love who i am, then you for damn sure love who i am.
its things like this that just take me off of that stupid pitty cloud im on and bring me back to reality.
it makes me realize that whatever stupid bullshit i was sad over, is really, not that big of a deal.
people are going to come and go in your life, relationships are here and there, all i can say, and i will fucking stand by this...you know where the door is. if you dont like me, if you dont appreciate me, RESPECT ME or the people i love, see your way the fuck out. that i will not play the " weak " role with. theres no point in being sad if someone cant make a fuckin effort to be a better version of themselves, to make effort, to not fuck around with you or play stupid games. and i know a lot of girls who go through that. you think its your fault just bc this ONE guy doesnt make you feel like you are the most special girl, and that you are the only girl who exists, and that you are worth everything and will fight just to be with you, because you are beautiful inside and out. so if you find yourself in this situation, seriously, there are bigger things in life to deal with. dont spend those late nights crying because some guy didnt call you or doesnt try. take care of yourself, your family and friends. be good to yourself, your heart and your body. everyone makes mistakes granted, and if that guy does come running back trying everything in his power to get your attention, saying sorry, really going out of his way just to see you, just to talk to you, then maybe...just maybe this guy isnt that bad. but ladies, if he doesnt come after you...it was nice knowing you. women are beautiful, appreciate and love yourself and only want THE BEST.
still to this day, i regret no relationship i had, and i stand by that.
bc if it wasnt for that, really wouldnt be anything like how i am now.
ive been that dumb girl before
i fell for all those little lines
i never expected too much bc i didnt want to get my hopes up
i settled for not being treated right
and the list continues
there is nothing wrong with wanting a good person
its not saying you think youre better or above anyone
all it is, is that life is too short to be dwelling over people who dont care or treat you like the amazing person that you are.
once you realize that you are good, amazing, you have a good heart..im telling you..once you love yourself, your eyes open.
expect good
want the best
and never ever make excuses.


yours truly,
devin.

5/17/09 09:54 pm


the effect and hold this has on me is seriously sad..
growing up, wanting to know a man who is suppose to love you unconditionally, who doesnt, then come to find out years later, that this man hurt the most special person in your entire life. i wish my mom would have told me sooner, it would have saved me years of beating myself the fuck up, trying and trying over again to help this man, to get him to love me..to get him to be a good man, my father. ive already said what he did in the previous post, my father beat my mom like a fucking man..hitting her so hard..and didnt stop that even his own best friend got scared thinking he would kill my mother, beating her almost to death. its hard to take in. its not something you can just accept and go on your merry way, especially when you have years worth of pain with this person. its weird because before knowing this, regardless of what hes done i still would stand up for him from time to time or give him the benefit or excuse that hes just some alcoholic depressed bi polar selfish asshole, but no more will i excuse him. i think that maybe in a way i was meant to go through all of that, as fucked up as it was and is, maybe it was intended for me to go through, because maybe if i would have known this then i probably wouldnt have been able to understand or comprehend and as a little girl i would have probably forgave him, because again..he is an alcoholic depressed bi polar selfish asshole..you know..the excuse. but now that im older there is no excuse and i know i said i have to forgive him, but really i cant right now..i can forgive him for fucking me over in life, for not loving me, that i can forgive, but for hurting my mother..my only sweetheart..that i will never forgive. i will never forgive all of the times he hurt her, i will never forgive the bruises he gave her, i will never forgive him for treating her less than what my mom is, i will never forgive him for taking my moms youth and then take my mom away to some other state to live with my great grandmother who was a good woman sober, but a drunk irish woman who was really fukcing racist, and resented my mother because of her race. i will never ever fucking forgive him for taking my mom to the abortion clinic when my mom was pregnant with me and just dropping her off and not being fucking MAN enough to go with her..like my mom meant fucking nothing, like killing what he helped create was just fucking nothing. i will never forgive my dad for being a bad man, for being a fucking asshole and not having better himself and do whatever it took to make our family work. i will never forgive him for letting us slip away out of his fucking hands so easily. shit like that i wll never forgive, and i will hold it until im of no more. i can accept and move on, but i wll never forgive that.

 

sometimes its hard to look at myself in the mirror..because all i can see is him. i know maybe some people cant understand that, but when you look identical to the person who caused harm to someone you love, its hard. its hard to even have things in common with this man, its hard to have his smile. hes the one person ive never wanted to be, i want nothing to do with him, but hes always here with me..hes part of me..these eyes, my expressions, these hands i  even type with, they are all parts of this man...

and no i need no sympathy, i just like to write real shit, i like to write about life itself. im not one who puts myself out there in real life, you really cant get shit out of me most of the time, but when it comes to writing..this is my way of letting go.

5/17/09 04:22 pm

i cant believe my father...i just cant fucking believe him.
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