im not here, this isnt happening..

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 23:51:49 GMT

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 21:50:01 GMT

diet pills and whiskey diet.
what a fuckin life.

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 19:58:38 GMT

i just dont know what to do with myself...lol

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:33:01 GMT

your moves are exciting,
but whats between your legs is just oh so inviting and ever more than exciting, its enticing.

so im leaving for vegas in a couple of hours, off to a well much needed vacation, but hey, when doesnt everyone need a vacation? its sad how sometimes you can slip away from some of the very things you love most, for me, writing. maybe i lost some sort of fulfillment, and maybe id rather just experience. sometimes i dont know how to sort out all of this clutter going on upstairs, and because of that i dont try and just leave as is. maybe one day ill get it on down, finally make use of all the pages that run through me.

i like times like these, the tv off, no music, no sound, even the outside world and everything thats going on seems mute, and its just me. the silence soothes me, makes me take a step back and remember myself. sometimes we get so caught up in movies, music, outter chaos that it seems impossible to just sit and enjoy solitude and silence. i take advantage of it, especially if im going to sin city in a couple of hours, and the only thing my eyes do are flutter at all of the lights and a world outside of my own. amazed by all the people, analyzing their vegas wear, their gestures, thoughts..feelings, and i soon forget about myself all over again.

but soon enough ill find my way, im only one drink away.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 04:20:15 GMT

to my surprise you sent me 5 email messages, all with the same question.
maybe its because i wrote you 3 drunk messages, with three different questions, wanting but only one answer.
i keep going back to that little girl that you left,
i keep going back to summer days, and your nights with the drunkards.
im weak, because all the pain you have inflicted on me takes me back everytime.
everytime, i cringe
everytime i put the bottle to my lips.
our vices are one in the same, so why ask questions to answers i already know.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 19:42:49 GMT

we dance the night away, you drive me with your moves, i am paralyzed, i am yours.
we fuck at night, drink until morning..repeat.
its these indulgences, these vices that take away from our picture perfect painted reality.
the nights you end up bleeding in a tub of your own sorrow and childhood,
the nights the color of white soothes your interest,
belly full of drink,
we fuck to feel,
because when youre inside me, im once again pumped alive.

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:38:42 GMT

open up that bottle of wine..
oh its time
oh its time..
ive got something on my mind.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 21:22:13 GMT

its true what they say,
when someone kicks you down and beats you down to the ground,
and tells you all of these horrible things about yourself, you believe them.
i get that all the time.
" someone must have really fucked you up for you not to believe in yourself"

its true.

i think ill have a beer...

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 07:35:47 GMT

and just in a matter of seconds dripping down the evergreen trees in which you spent your summers gazing at,
your life changes.

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:39:33 GMT

its real lonely at my nannys house, and well, im so sick and tired of television.
hardly a vision at all sometimes.
so here i sit..
with the most expensive bottle of wine that ive ever bought, in the most uncomfortable chair ever.
coincidence?
possibly..
alcohol taking away my back pain?
bingo.

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 18:30:16 GMT

2 years..
2 years of no contact, of only wondering if you're still breathing the same air as me.
its odd, because i've spent most of my life wanting some sort of answer from you, some sort of explanation as to why you didn't try, as to how you can do on in life knowing nothing about me, not even the slightest interest, not one speck of love. how easy it is to get a hold of me, never once fighting for me, never once trying to make this work. and after all this time of wanting you to be my father, and have things go in the direction of happily ever after, i know now the answer ive been so long searching for, and you didnt have to say anything at all. and now when i really think about it, do i even really want someone as negative as you in my life? its easy for someone to say to just get over you and move on, and as much as i have given up on so many things in life, i fought so hard just for you to want to know me and be my father. when you have so much hope invested as well as everything youve got left to give..your heart and soul in to something, its just really fucking easier said than done. but judging by the past couple of days, i really am done, and its bc i know that i tried, ive hurt myself over you so many god damn times, drank myself to fucking sleep or drove myself insane simply bc you cant be my father and dont love me, and i know that if anything happens horribly to you i will have no regrets, and i will be at peace knowing i gave it everything i had to give, and i wouldnt be beating myself up wishing i had tried harder. you cant make your father love you or want to take care of you, i cant make you want me to be your little girl...im just not her anymore, that little girl has vanished and now i just have to pick up the pieces start over and move on with myself, for my own well being.
i cant begin to explain the amount of pain i felt yesterday when my dads whore gf called me. i finally found his information and called him about a week ago, but she answered so i hung up, then on saturday i kept attempting, wanting to leave a voicemail but just going back and forth with myself..hanging up..hanging up. finally i gathered myself on saturday and left a voicemail, taking yet, another chance and possibly (evidently) setting myself up..again. this was at about 11 a.m. ish. so yesterday im driving home around 2 p.m. and as i went to text bc we all know what a safe driver i am texting and driving, i didnt hear my phone ring so when i went to slide it up i answered a call which so happened to be my dads whore gf. it went something along the lines of this.
anna the whore: " hi ashlee, fjdajfdhakfhahfkalhfalhfka"
ash: " what? who is this?"
whore: " its anna "
ash : " who?"
whore: " omg like its anna, chris' gf"
and mind you her tone is like shes in the best mood of her life, so uplifted. that only irritated me, it would.
whore: " i just wanted to call you to let you know that WE got your message"
hmmm theres just a little too many people in that fucking WE bullshit.
she proceeded to tell me: " ashlee your dad is actually butthurt because he said hes invited you over, but you didnt want to come because you dont like me"
ash: " first of all regardless of whether i like you or not, i would never ever let anyone get in the way of my time with my father, ive fought too damn hard to try and be in his life to say or do something like that, and furthermore hes never even invited me over, and you see i didnt not like you, but now i do have a problem with you because you are my dads fucking gf and you cant even push him to be in his own daughters life, so dont give me that omg we like totally tried, its bullshit and its really ridiculous and im sick of this shit"
i let her have it basically, im not one you want to fight with verbally, you just wont win.
she then got snappy with me, real attitude like: " well you know what ashlee, christopher has a mind of his own okay, hes a big boy you know"
holy fucking christ
then she tried to tell me this woman to woman bullshit..
me : " granted he has a mind of his own and i dont hold you fully responsible, but fact is bitch you are his girlfriend and bottom line i have not even seen or spoken to my father in 2 fucking years, you are apart of his life, and you know WOMAN TO WOMAN, you need to be a woman and tell YOUR MAN to take care of his fucking kid"
whore: " well you know ashlee hes tried, hes left you messages, hes actually hurt about you, you know he works so hard everyday....blahhh fucking blahh, and oh yea hes got all of your letters"
in between all of this conversation, i did apoligize if i spoke with her in a disrespectful manner, because i was raised to not talk to elders in that way, my mom raised me better, but when someone doesnt respect me and tries to play me for a fool, i was also raised to stand up for myself..you know.." as a woman"
me:" you know what im sick of this poor christopher boo hoo fucking sob story, its getting just a little too old, and for the record he has not tried shit, why in the fuck would i be beating myself up, crying myself to fucking sleep if hes tried, that statement makes no fucking possible sense"
whore: " he said hes tried ashlee.."
me: " bullshit bitch, HE HAS NOT TRIED!"
now mind you, this is my dads whore ex crackhead gf, and this message was not even FOR HER!. im thinking to myself why and the fuck is this bitch even calling me? that only made me more heated and led to more verbal abuse to her just being silent, attitude with me in between. i did not yell at her, its weird bc when im really mad, i dont yell, my voice gets strong but i dont yell, bc i want you to hear my words which will hurt you. shes like well he said hes going to call you, yada yada, and that she WAS going to give me his celly but not anymore, i asked for it, but she like blew me off, and i was like : " give me his number now"
whore: " no ashlee, he said he will call you"
me: " no, thats not good enough, give it to me now"
whore: " well let me call him right now and tell him to call you"
me" you know what, go right the fuck ahead and you go do that"
whore: " fine then i will"
me: " you do that!"
whore: " FINE I WILL"
real fucking attitude..
i feel no pride in ripping someone up verbally, but it did feel good to get 2 years of repressed emotion out, well, 22 years if you want to get technical.
and to my not so surprise, he never called and it is now monday.
i really wouldnt be surprised if she was the only one who got the message, erased it and never told him, but still i dont let that play as an excuse for him..hes all out of them, and im not waiting around.
after that conversation, i couldnt help but to let it out bc i actually had to hold back on the phone with her bc i wasnt about to let her and really i dont like people to see or hear me cry. i sat in my car in the blazing fucking heat, just really broken down, it was hard to catch my breath and all i could do was hyper ventilate and shake thinking what the fuck just happened?, why is he doing this to me? what have i done thats so wrong to feel like my insides and every ounce of emotion were ripped out of me and put on display to promote how much of a fucking fool i am.
this is such a big step, more like a leap to finally see what i should have seen and known. i had my answer all along, but of course i just couldnt believe it, and i had to try. its a chance and risk i knew i was taking, i knew that more than likely i had a 99.9 percent chance that it wouldnt go the way i want, that there was a chance id be broken beyond belief, that i would get hurt, but its a chance i took, i just had to know for sure no matter the cost, even if its my own well being and heart at stake, i just had to know 100 percent that this man doesnt love me, and i cant make him. i get it now, i feel it..i felt it and saw it before, but now i know it...its for certain. feel, see and know. this is really out of everything by far the worst thing i have done to myself, the worst its felt, and ive never felt so alone and incomplete..shattered. and typical me, i try and hide it. its just something maybe i have to go through alone, something i have to do for myself, and who knows, maybe after all of this it might bring me to a better path. it hurts so much, but the weight off my back has been lifted, and i am 100% ready to let it go and move on. im ready to get back to being me.

pain and happiness.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:31:26 GMT

i get so upset at myself when i tell people about myself and my issues.
ughhhhhh.
id rather not say anything at all.

mona.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 19:58:32 GMT

I feel helpless at times.
yesterday after having drinks with friends, there was a lady in a wheelchair..homeless outside of the restaurant. i saw her change bucket, and began walking to the car to scrounge for any change i could find. i found nothing in my purse since i spent the last of my cash on the tip, but i didn't stop there and knew i couldn't leave without at least giving something. i dig around the car, finding a small stash of pennies and as i got out of the seat of the car, i saw a dime, picked it up and walked over to hand the woman the change, so ashamed that this was all i had to give. i immediately begin apologizing, i knew this change was shit, but all i had. she tells me it means a lot to her, not matter what the amount is, every bit helps. this woman..homeless, no hair, home, family or even friends, so alone in this god damn world, a woman with nothing, but has so much more than the people who have everything.
her hunger for life, her gratefulness for me giving her a small amount of change, i couldnt believe it.
i stood talking to this woman, with tears rolling down my eyes.
how unfair this fucking world is, how people suffer daily.
maybe i had no money to really give this woman, but i gave her company for all the time that i could.
she tells me that she will not give up, that she is blessed, and the point is not the amount of money i gave, but that i gave her something. this seriously blows my fucking mind away.
not that long ago in pasadena, i see this homeless man asking for change, i give him almost a dollar in change..some quarters i believe, and he then said " thats it?" how fucking ungrateful this asshole is i thought. then said, " what a fucking ungrateful asshole.." someone who doesnt have to give you anything, but still does out of goodness, and you still complain. but thats people for ya, some ungrateful bastards.
going back to the woman, she is nothing like that pasadena asshole.
after talking to her for quite some time, i began curious to know her name...so i ask, " mona.." she says.
i told mona id never forget her.
we then talked about god, and social injustice...
might seem odd that i had this in depth conversation with a homeless woman, but it really was an awakening moment. 2 strangers both having belief in life at the same time.

as we said goodbye, i made my way back to my car and cried the whole way home, with her face i couldnt shake from my eyelids.

Thu, 28 May 2009 04:56:53 GMT

and then i find out more shit..
fuck,
im really on the verge of combustion.
i really dont know how much longer i can stay at my house before i fucking snap at my step dad, and for all the bullshit hes caused and has said.
im at my aunts right now trying to calm down.
i really dont even want to go home..

Sat, 23 May 2009 05:32:39 GMT

at this point, whatever hurt me last week or earlier this week or even before that, seriously is out of my brain and system.
after having an almost 2 hour conversation with my grandma as to why she didnt get on the plane with her husband, im seriously..i dont even know.
i know what makes the women in my family so special to me, because no matter what can happen, we are all loyal to eachother and we will defend eachother until the end and no matter what the circumstances are.
the things my nanny told me, i just had no idea..
i believe that my family sometimes doesnt like to tell me certain things because of how passionate and dominating i am of the people i love.
if someone hurts someone i love, thats it, i get emotional and in this rage where i cant control it, and i HAVE to say something and speak my mind, especially when it comes to men hurting women, its all over after that.
there are reasons why i am so passive, why i dont like to argue and fight, its for this very reason..i just really get too worked up, and in that state i will say things to really hurt someone, like a dagger right at your fucking heart, and i wouldnt have the slightest bit of remorse. i guess thats how i feel right now, my nanny told me just certain things that her husband did to her, things that seriously brought me to tears. i know why no one wanted to tell me, because i get so upset. when someone i love gets hurt, it hurts me ten times more. whatever you feel, i feel it so intensely because im a person who so full of love, emotion, passion, and feelings like that are hard to calm down, but im doing my best right now.
i basically cant say anything.
i cant say anything to my step dad for the things hes said and done.
after everything i heard i want to just tell him to fuck off, but i cant. my nanny told me to be quiet and i gave her my word.
nor can i say anything to my nannys husband for saying and doing all of this bullshit..shit i cant even fucking believe.
i have to bite my tongue though.
this is so hard for me, because automatically i want to lash out at these people for hurting these women who mean everything to me.
these women in my life that after all of this bullshit are still these amazing and loving people and who judge no one. how my nanny and my mom are still such good people, seriously, ive said it before, it really fucking amazes me.
i had to calm myself down before i walked in to my house, because once i snap, i really snap. and really how many people have truly seen me mad? i can probably count them on one hand if not less than one hand.
maybe i do play that weak person role, but its bc i choose to be like that.
i dont want to be someone whos all in a rage all the time or brave or trying to act tuff. i let a lot of shit slide and go generally just bc i dont like to argue and i like to create peace between people, and well..im just a nice person and i see the best in everyone. but when it comes to these stupid men, hurting the women i love, my sweethearts..it really fucking kills me to sit here and be quiet. but sometimes, its what you have to do. sometimes you cant say what you want bc it makes shit worse. everything will come in time, and there just needs to be patience. i do not wish bad upon these men, bc sooner or later they will realize what they had and lost if this shit continues. my nanny and my mom are good people, and any of my friends who have met them, i know EVERY SINGLE PERSON would not say otherwise, bc if they did they might as well be really fucking fake bc i am a lot like these women, and if you love who i am, then you for damn sure love who i am.
its things like this that just take me off of that stupid pitty cloud im on and bring me back to reality.
it makes me realize that whatever stupid bullshit i was sad over, is really, not that big of a deal.
people are going to come and go in your life, relationships are here and there, all i can say, and i will fucking stand by this...you know where the door is. if you dont like me, if you dont appreciate me, RESPECT ME or the people i love, see your way the fuck out. that i will not play the " weak " role with. theres no point in being sad if someone cant make a fuckin effort to be a better version of themselves, to make effort, to not fuck around with you or play stupid games. and i know a lot of girls who go through that. you think its your fault just bc this ONE guy doesnt make you feel like you are the most special girl, and that you are the only girl who exists, and that you are worth everything and will fight just to be with you, because you are beautiful inside and out. so if you find yourself in this situation, seriously, there are bigger things in life to deal with. dont spend those late nights crying because some guy didnt call you or doesnt try. take care of yourself, your family and friends. be good to yourself, your heart and your body. everyone makes mistakes granted, and if that guy does come running back trying everything in his power to get your attention, saying sorry, really going out of his way just to see you, just to talk to you, then maybe...just maybe this guy isnt that bad. but ladies, if he doesnt come after you...it was nice knowing you. women are beautiful, appreciate and love yourself and only want THE BEST.
still to this day, i regret no relationship i had, and i stand by that.
bc if it wasnt for that, really wouldnt be anything like how i am now.
ive been that dumb girl before
i fell for all those little lines
i never expected too much bc i didnt want to get my hopes up
i settled for not being treated right
and the list continues
there is nothing wrong with wanting a good person
its not saying you think youre better or above anyone
all it is, is that life is too short to be dwelling over people who dont care or treat you like the amazing person that you are.
once you realize that you are good, amazing, you have a good heart..im telling you..once you love yourself, your eyes open.
expect good
want the best
and never ever make excuses.

yours truly,
devin.

Mon, 18 May 2009 04:55:10 GMT

the effect and hold this has on me is seriously sad..
growing up, wanting to know a man who is suppose to love you unconditionally, who doesnt, then come to find out years later, that this man hurt the most special person in your entire life. i wish my mom would have told me sooner, it would have saved me years of beating myself the fuck up, trying and trying over again to help this man, to get him to love me..to get him to be a good man, my father. ive already said what he did in the previous post, my father beat my mom like a fucking man..hitting her so hard..and didnt stop that even his own best friend got scared thinking he would kill my mother, beating her almost to death. its hard to take in. its not something you can just accept and go on your merry way, especially when you have years worth of pain with this person. its weird because before knowing this, regardless of what hes done i still would stand up for him from time to time or give him the benefit or excuse that hes just some alcoholic depressed bi polar selfish asshole, but no more will i excuse him. i think that maybe in a way i was meant to go through all of that, as fucked up as it was and is, maybe it was intended for me to go through, because maybe if i would have known this then i probably wouldnt have been able to understand or comprehend and as a little girl i would have probably forgave him, because again..he is an alcoholic depressed bi polar selfish asshole..you know..the excuse. but now that im older there is no excuse and i know i said i have to forgive him, but really i cant right now..i can forgive him for fucking me over in life, for not loving me, that i can forgive, but for hurting my mother..my only sweetheart..that i will never forgive. i will never forgive all of the times he hurt her, i will never forgive the bruises he gave her, i will never forgive him for treating her less than what my mom is, i will never forgive him for taking my moms youth and then take my mom away to some other state to live with my great grandmother who was a good woman sober, but a drunk irish woman who was really fukcing racist, and resented my mother because of her race. i will never ever fucking forgive him for taking my mom to the abortion clinic when my mom was pregnant with me and just dropping her off and not being fucking MAN enough to go with her..like my mom meant fucking nothing, like killing what he helped create was just fucking nothing. i will never forgive my dad for being a bad man, for being a fucking asshole and not having better himself and do whatever it took to make our family work. i will never forgive him for letting us slip away out of his fucking hands so easily. shit like that i wll never forgive, and i will hold it until im of no more. i can accept and move on, but i wll never forgive that.

sometimes its hard to look at myself in the mirror..because all i can see is him. i know maybe some people cant understand that, but when you look identical to the person who caused harm to someone you love, its hard. its hard to even have things in common with this man, its hard to have his smile. hes the one person ive never wanted to be, i want nothing to do with him, but hes always here with me..hes part of me..these eyes, my expressions, these hands i even type with, they are all parts of this man...

and no i need no sympathy, i just like to write real shit, i like to write about life itself. im not one who puts myself out there in real life, you really cant get shit out of me most of the time, but when it comes to writing..this is my way of letting go.

Sun, 17 May 2009 23:26:19 GMT

i cant believe my father...i just cant fucking believe him.

Sun, 10 May 2009 09:36:22 GMT

i just lye in bed sometimes..
on my side, arms strectched out in front of me.
my room is a very luke warm temperature..
these flowers which are little lights are the only thing that light up my room..
mellow music is playing..
i begin to touch my skin..draw in the spade on my inner wrist..
im still in my sea green cotton flowing dress from earlier..
my feet bare..snuggled in my warm fleece blanket.
i stare off..
wishing i was somewhere far..somewhere unknown..
wishing i could share this comfort i feel in my bedroom with someone..
someone to brush their hands on my back and kiss my neck intensely.
i begin to touch my legs..soft as my hand runs up to my thighs.
this is in no way a sexual manner, im just feeling my body..
i want to know what i feel like.
my eyes bat then i shut them tight for a couple seconds and pray that one day i will turn around and i wont feel so lonely..
that when i turn back around its that person drawing in the spade on my wrist..the heart on my inner arm..the lips to my native american woman..that it will be this persons hands feeling every inch of me, ever so gently, ever so intensely. and slowly the straps to my dress will be pulled down softly, but my dress wont come off, because maybe somehow you know i like the feeling of someones hands pulling the straps down softly..theres just something about it, its so passionate.
and maybe one night when this happens we will turn to eachother and smile..not saying one word, because we know we are lucky to have found eachother. and maybe that night i will close my eyes and hold that perfect moment tight, that moment where my family and friends are alive and well, that moment where i forgive everything and everyone, that moment where i am fearless, that moment in which you kiss me, and we both know this is it...this is it. i will shut my eyes tight, feeling so thankful and overwhelmed, and maybe when i shut my eyes that night i wont wake up, because nothing will ever compare to a night as beautiful as that. my morning kiss will be cold and not mine.

i believe time can really stop.

and i believe that sometimes there is a lot of beauty in pain.

Sat, 09 May 2009 20:31:51 GMT

p.s.
thank goodness for:
a.) caffeine pills that the store provides me with..lol.
b.) diet coke
c.) the parts and service advisor..

that is what gets me through my day..
ohh and of course..funny asian men and women..lol.

im seriously dying of laughter today, i feel like i havent had a good laugh in such a long time..it felt really good, i cant even describe it.

Sat, 09 May 2009 20:19:36 GMT

this has nothing to do with anything, but i really cant stand people who have that bluetooth shit in their ear..lol. its just sooooo fucking silly to me. id rather wear a cute headband wrapped around my head holding the cell phone..

i could seriously make a show about all of the funny fucking people i deal with.

whats really funny, and believe me im a lover of all races, but the asians that call in and just talk sooooo fucking slow.. : "ahhhh yesss ummmm ( as if they dont even know why they called) i wouldahah elike to speeeek to ahhhhh sasomeone in pausssts prease......"
by this time im fucking ready to strange myself with the phone chord or possibly jump through glass because anything would be better than having to listen to this puzzled ass asian woman/man..( yes, they both do the same damn thing). then i just laugh it off.
on to my next call:
" umm like my daddy brought in my car for service and like um i was just wondering like what time can i really like pick it up, and like how much is it, oh and like um where are you guys like at?"
holy fucking shit shoot me now..seriously..no seriously, im being serious..lol. you see this stapler, go ahead..lmao. by this time im like dying from wanting to laugh so hard and waiting for the advisor to get off the phone with these kind of girls..yes..there are a lot of girls like this..i know, i know. i just want to do my impersonations already when they get off the phone..lol. im actually really good at impersonations..or movie lines in general. or knowing every single song that plays wherever im at. dont ask me how i know or remember all of this stuff...

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 04:29:48 GMT

at this point....
hah
i dont even know.

i really love this song..

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 00:43:32 GMT

Time.
It's never worth my time.
Moonshine
Bleeds into my eyes.

I still
Sleep on the right side
Of the white noise;
Can't leave the scene behind.

Could I be anything you want me to be
If so, is it meant to be seen?

[Chorus]
Do you see yourself in a crowded room?
Do you think I'll snitch? Are you pistol-whipped?
Do you step in line, or release the glitch?
Can you fall asleep when I panic, switch?

When you see yourself in a crowded room,
Do you think I'll snitch? Are you pistol whipped?
Will you step in line or release this glitch?
Do you think she'll sleep with the panic?

And I'll try to hold on tight tonight.
Pink slip, inviting me inside.
I want to burn skin and brand what once was mine,
But the red news came ripping in to fight.

If I go anywhere that you want me to go,
How do I know you'll still follow?

[Chorus]

I'm waiting and fading and floating away
I'm waiting and fading and floating away
I'm waiting and fading and floating away
I'm waiting and fading and floating.

I'm waiting and fading and floating away
Waiting and fading and floating away
Waiting and fading and floating away
Waiting and fading and flailing and fading

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 21:32:20 GMT

the best thing thats been said to me so far

" when you over think love or anything in general, you miss the point of it all"

i love my english professor.

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:38:52 GMT

slowly but surely, i will get there.
having that dream of daniel the other night hit me.
i remember i could feel myself crying..in limbo between dreams and reality.
i felt myself saying out loud, " daniel dont leave, where did you go, COME BACK, COME BACK COME BACK!!!!"
i havent had a dream of him for so long, and maybe thats why it hurt as much as it did.
and maybe thats why i spent the whole fucking next day sobbing.
in my dream i find him at our old high school, and i wait for him, eventually we leave and are walking along this dock by the ocean together. i remember the water being so beautiful and standing out so much. we then decide to take a boat ride and escape, but one of the oars fell to the ocean floor. he tells me to get it but im terrified, so he then jumps in, but he does it such divinity..it took my breath away how beautiful he looked going in to the water. i watched and marveled. as he came up he puts the oar on the floor and goes back in the water and disappears. all of a sudden people i know appear, and im saying,
" where did daniel go, where is he?"
they replied with. " ashlee hes dead, he was never here, youre imagining it."
" no im not he was here, i was just walking with him, hes alive, hes alive"
" no ashlee, hes dead"
by this time im crying and screaming in a rage for him to come back..
im crying right now as a matter of fact, bc thats how much it still hurts.
once again..he left me in my dreams.
i know, i need to let go, and maybe in some way thats what hes trying to tell me.
my mom says its just a dream..i told her to have a little faith.
she said why do you search for him...and really i do because its all i have left of him.
im only allowed a certain amount of time with him in my dreams...we can go anywhere.
i dont care if it seems silly or stupid that i think of dreams the way that i do..
no one can take this away from me, and im going to hold this as close to my heart as possible.
i need to accept his death. =/

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 00:56:40 GMT

new salesman at work.
he seriously looks like a fuckin murderer.
im not even kidding.